Well my goodness…..It has been a long time since I have been on here.
Life has taken me through crazy twist and turns lately and it seems as if time doesn’t even exsist.
I currently sit here in San Antonio Texas in a local Starbucks, thousands of miles away from home and my husband; In a place that still feels very strange and unwelcoming to me.
On a daily basis I constantly question what I still want from life. I struggle with finding the person that I want to be. I thought at one point in my life It was all clear for me….but over the past few weeks I feel all of that has just floated away and never to come back. Not sure If it is happening for a reason or If I brought it on myself.
Sometimes I truly do believe things happen for a reason but give me to long to think about things and I start to question all the possibilities…IS this really happening for reason?? Was i just giving up and not even realizing it?? Was i not trying hard enough?? Was i not fighting?? It goes on and on.
So I sit here wondering my next step in life. What is gonna happen?? Where am I gonna go??? I feel as if I am falling into the deep dark unknown right now and its scary.
However said life was gonna be easy or always glitter and rainbow!?! Nobody unfortunately:/ So than there is the big girl in me who says, stand up…pull up those big girl panties even higher…and go conquer the world. THAN…there is the side of me that just wants to curl up in a ball in a deep dark corner and cry and just be away from the world. Asking myself. Does it just happen to me?? Or does it happen to everyone?? Does everyone struggle this much?? Does life seem this shitty to everyone sometimes too?? or am I making life for myself even harder and not even knowing it.
I have battled with myself for years. I’ve struggled in places that a lot of people don’t know about and I feel sometimes my past trying to sneak up on me and nip me on the butt. Fearing what it would obviously bring I push it back away. There are times though when I know I am inviting it back because I do and I know those things never help me.
I am struggling emotionally, physically and mentally right now to figure out how this happened but I know I need to let it all go and move on. I know I don’t fit in here which just tells me its time for something better. Its just the better i worry about. I fear the better could possibly be a worse. And this Is when my over thinking comes in place again. I start creating scenarios in my head, the possibilities, the challenges and I know I need to stop. Just feeding my thoughts with more negativity.
As I Sit in this chair; I know I need to breath, throw my hands up, and just let this roller coaster take itself on another ride. After all, I don’t even know where I am going with this one, Why not just enjoy the mystery and take what I can get. I might be the best ride I will ever take in life!!!