Journal Day-Free Thoughts

Today is one of those day where I don’t feel like writing in my real journal, so instead I am going to write here.

The past two days I have not been feeling so hot. Have not gotten much sleep and feel like I am catching a cold! Ugghhh…as if I need that!! Especially a few weeks before I finally get to head out to bootcamp! P.S.- which I am so totally stoked about ๐Ÿ˜€ but in also many ways, sad ๐Ÿ˜ฆย  Happy because it will be a great experience for me and is the next step towards taking my independence. But sad because I will miss so many people!

Anyways, because I have been feeling so ugghh..I find that I catch myself having these moments. When I am already not feeling well its as if my depression/sadness worsens with everything. One thought of something/someone/anything that brings back memories, has me wishing something differently, etc….just pushes me into this; I hate life right now kindof mood. I hate it! lol and I know its just all my emotions messing with me. And not getting enough sleep doesn’t help that fact either!

I can sit here and listen to music and with every song, my mood changes insanely! Well…actually, that normally happens ๐Ÿ˜› but when those sad songs come on it worsens and makes me sooooo sentimental!!! I just want to to text everybody and say ” I love you!”ย  If you have no figured out right now, I can be a very emotional person! Can be good but can also not be good at all!

 

Hmmm…topic change. I was going through some photos and things I have collected over the years ( school, horse shows, plays, etc…) and It was weird but also fun to see what i had done. Some of the thing I had forgotten I had ever done or went too. I also noticed how much people have changed. We of course all get older and grow up, but just looking at photos/videos I can see how much I have changed and grown. As with other people I have known. Many years from now I am gonna look back at all these things and probably be like….dang, I wish I was that young again!! Ha Ha, just like what I hear from a lot of other older people. But I guess in many ways they really do mean it. I mean we can always be young at heart, but we really do have only so long before were we can actually explore the world, decide what we really want, be wild and free before we have real responsibilities. Dang!! That word, responsibilities, don’t we all just hate it sometimes.lol.

Anyways, looking through photos and all those things can be so fun. It brings back so many great memories and def can put a smile on your face.

There are of course always some bad memories, but we try not to remember those…right!?! We usually don’t like to remeber those because sometimes they bring out a certain truth in something and sometimes we might not always like that.lol.

I guess that is also why we in general only remember those good times! I think we forget the bad times/memories as a defense mecanism for the human mind/sanity. Those bad memories are the ones that bring back all those emotions/truths that we want to forget about. We only want to remember the good times because it makes us feel better or causes us to see certain situations a certain way. All those memories can be a justification/deciding factor of how we see situations now!

Its weird, because I have caught myself actaully thinking that before. I have only looked at the good times and made a decision/come to a conclusion off of those, but I didn’t look at those other memories because they brought out the truth and light to the situation and that wasn’t the answer I ( okay my brain/ego) was looking for!

Its funny how much we can let our feelings be a deciding factor in everything! Even when we are sick.ย  Ha!! But then they just get worse; well for me at least.

But, I really did love getting the chance to look through all those things. It of course brought back all those good and bad memories but thats okay. I don’t mind it!!

Was just doing a little cleaning before bootcamp. Mind wise and room wise.lol. The mind part was def more interesting than the room part!

I just wish I wasn’t feeling so blahh…my energy and focus level def goes down and all I want to do is lay around a be a bum! Not fun!!!! But in some ways, I really also don’t mind it because when I am just sitting around I will think and sort through things in my mind; cleaning ๐Ÿ˜€

 

 

 

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